Being an artist with anxiety and depression is hard, and even more difficult to explain. But writing this article is important to me. Our image on social media needs to be more transparent, more human, and I want to set a good example. Too many of us scroll through IG looking at images of seemingly happy people and start to feel bad about our own lives. That is because what we see online is only a slice of reality. I can be so focused on getting out the next post that I don't see the illusion of perfection I am creating for my viewers. That changes from here on out, starting with this post.
It's time to get real. I am an artist who lives with mental illness. My two companions are anxiety and depression. They are hereditary and I've experienced symptoms most of my young adult life.
The anxiety comes at me from one side in a voice that sounds like my own but with an edge to it that cuts like a sword- it says your art isn't good enough. Why can't you do anything right? They probably are laughing at you. If this inner voice was a person I would call her a bitch, and would avoid her like the plague. Because man, is she mean. That is anxiety, a constant inner dialogue that makes you feel tense and uncomfortable, in a constant state between fight and flight. Worry furrows my brow at even the simplest of things because the anxiety will amplify the problem into something bigger. It will dig through my brain and find every possible scenario and outcome and throw it into my field of vision. I have to consciously tell myself to shut it off, like changing the channel on the TV. Switch it to something more peaceful and positive.
On the other side is my depression. It brings fatigue and an inner numbness. My body aches for no reason at all. The sadness seems to seep out of my bones and infect my muscles. Migraines are a weekly occurrence. All this, seemingly for nothing. Because depression doesn't need a reason to stop by. Depression exists within me and I battle it every day. Most days are good, sometimes years go by before my companion stirs. Sometimes it pops up for no reason, other times it is triggered by stress, but when it is here, depression can tear me down like nothing else. Motivation is hard to find, my bed is my safe haven from the world I start to see in increasingly shit-colored glasses. The future seems absolutely bleak. My mind naively sighs it will be this horrible forever. I can't see myself being happy again. This is absolute nonsense, of course. Every storm will pass but the depressed mind only sees doom and gloom.
My biggest enemy has always been my own mind. As an artist my mind is my biggest tool. As someone who lives with mental illness, it can also be my biggest weakness. Accepting these truths and simply allowing myself to feel whole despite them is what brings me comfort day by day.
Phew. I did it. Everything in me is screaming not to publish this article, but I am going to anyway. I am going to put myself out there and be vulnerable. I invite everyone reading this to be brave and comment some of their vulnerabilities. Take one step towards finding peace by admitting it to yourself and to the world.
Until next time, keep pushing forward.