In life, the only currency we have is time. We trade our time while working at our jobs, which gives us money, with which we buy the products we use to live. We assess the value for each product we buy, so why don't we assess the value of each person we trade our time for? That time will never be given back. There is no refund policy for life. If its hard to assess whether someone brings value to your life, ask yourself if you could have done something more valuable with your time than see that person. If the answer is no, then you know that you have a deep and meaningful connection with that person. If the answer is yes, you could have been more productive with your time, then maybe it's time to reassess this relationship. Start by assessing the value each person brings to your life, then move on to the steps below.
1. Think objectively about how much you sacrifice to continue that relationship, and how much they contribute.
Ah, the needy friend. Don't we all love those? This point takes me back to freshman year of university. I had found a new group of “cool” older friends, all in their mid to upper twenties. Ironically, as the youngest of the group, I was the most put together out of them all. I was the only one with a steady job, and a car. These “friends” started asking for rides in my car, for money, or to grab the bill at the restaurant. When I have a deep and meaningful connection with a friend, like I do with my best friends, money means nothing and I will treat them to dinner till I go broke. But with these friends, they did nothing to reciprocate my kindness. I realized that I didn't trust them. It wasn't until I discovered that one of these “friends” had taken my car and driven it without my permission while I was at a party that I decided to cut these people out of my life for good. As I figured, they only texted me when they needed money, or a ride to work. I promptly blocked all their asses.
2. Ask yourself: “Can I see myself having a meaningful relationship with this person in 5-10 years?”
With regards to the people mentioned above, the answer for me was a resounding “HELL NAW!” If you find yourself questioning your relationship with someone, whether it be an old friend or new acquaintance, think about your future with them. Can you see them at your wedding, graduation, or other important events? Do you think you would invite them to your birthday party twenty years from now? If the answer is no, then you probably should save your time in the present and walk away. If you don't see yourself having a valuable connection with this person in the future, then it probably won't benefit you now.
3. Listen to the type of language they use around you.
Have you ever been around some one who was ridiculously passive aggressive? How about someone really sarcastic or negative? Thinking about people like this probably already has you in a bad mood. I've had countless friends, classmates, and coworkers, that I didn't pursue friendships with because of their negative vibe and energy. The first way someone's vibe is detected is through their speech and language. If they are constantly bringing themselves down, this tends to bring down your energy too. They could use language meant to bring you down as well, perhaps because of jealousy or projected anger. These types of people will only remain this way, cannot be fixed, and should be avoided like the poison they are.
5. When it comes down to it, does hanging around them make you happy?
This one's pretty simple. If you hang out with a friend and come home feeling like shit almost every time, then maybe that friendship isn't so great. It doesn't matter what type of unwanted emotion that person is making you feel, as long as it is unwanted that is enough justification to end the friendship. I once had a guy friend who was in a long-term relationship. He wanted to marry the girl, or so he told me, but was always flirtatious with me and would complain about his girlfriend every time I saw him. I found myself becoming attracted to him even though I valued our friendship, but it was an automatic response to his manipulative ways. I would come home feeling guilty like I was the “other woman” even though we had never done or said anything sexual. When I started feeling like this all the time, I knew it was time to stop seeing him. I simply stopped replying to his messages, and its been years now since I've seen or heard from him. The drama went away along with him. All the time I would have spent on him is now restored back to me, where I can use it for something much more positive and meaningful, and that makes me feel happy.
After going through the steps above, the rest will come naturally. Once you have recognized that the relationship isn't bringing enough value to your life in exchange for the time you spent, you will have an easy time deciding to end that connection. Next comes the hard part. How do you stop engaging with a person who feels so entitled to your attention? In this age of technology, cutting people out has to start there. If someone is bothering you or making you feel uncomfortable, immediately block them on all social media sites. I can't even tell you how long my block list is on Facebook. You would think that I would mainly be blocking creepy old men, but the type of people I encounter on social media as a modern woman shockingly broad...
The list goes on....
As I have worked to expand my brand and blog, I've had to reach out even further into the depths of the internet to engage with audiences. As I was doing this I started seeing more and more hate being thrown, seemingly without remorse, in all directions. There are communities on the internet that are so supportive and loving, but on the outskirts there always lies a hoard of ignorant haters, sitting in their underwear posting on the internet out of pure spite.
How does one navigate this shit storm, you ask? Simple.
It all comes down to your mindset. It sounds cliche, but things are cliche for a reason. When someone sends me a hateful, violent, or uninvited sexually explicit message, instead of feeling fear and anger, I turn it around in my head and feel sorry for them. There is clearly something wrong going on in their life, heart, or soul, for them to think that this behavior is acceptable and necessary. They should be ashamed of themselves. Recognize that you are the sane and loving one who is not sending negative vibes into the universe. You are simply taking up your own space, doing your own thing, and they are intruding on your bubble and causing harm.
You need to strengthen your mental bubble. They are sad, pathetic people, who have nothing better to do than sit on their computers and find a feminist to slut-shame on the internet to make themselves feel better. They are the people who grew up with uneducated families, and were taught that black skin meant evil. That Trump supporter who hates immigrants is now missing out on some of the best food in the world. By being a hater, they are missing out on so much GOOD STUFF. Of course, it makes a lot of sense! By being a hater, they are missing out on so much LOVE. THEY are the ones who have their hearts and minds shut to the world, to people different than them, and to the “other”.
Opening yourself up to every kind of person is hard. There are so many people in the world. They will say things that hurt, confuse, and scare you. The important thing is that you listen. Listen and learn. How can you know your enemies without learning about them? How can you find common ground with a stranger without knowing what ground he stands on?
So let's all learn to not be a HATER, learn to open ourselves up for LOVE and ENLIGHTENMENT, and use our new-found self love to care for our selves by kicking haters out of our lives for good!
COMMENT BELOW! What are some ways you practice self-care and avoid negativity? What's your best tip to kicking out a hater?
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I observe & write about society & culture.