For a long time it felt like an answer was missing, and the answer was to a question I didn't even know. So you can understand the general feeling of unrest I had throughout my young adult hood. I had feelings that I presumed were normal, but somehow I always felt out of place. I did things that I would later reflect on that are clear indicators.
Choosing to come out now seems so random in the grand scheme of my life yet at the same time perfectly understandable. My family is probably shocked and doesn't understand why I'm choosing to come out now and why it took me so long to do it. Isn't this something that should have been brought to light as soon as I felt it?
The difference between me and maybe someone else coming out to their family is that I was raised to believe that homosexuality was disgusting, that gay people where either sick, confused, or following a social trend. Homosexuals needed to be helped. They needed to be pitied and prayed for. So it was something that I always had in the back of my head and I pushed down deep inside me.
Throughout high school and college, I always had this open-mindedness towards the LGBT community that my family never understood. My mom told me later on, after I told her I was bisexual, or queer, that she had wondered if I was “that” because of my support for the LGBT community, having gay friends or being excited to design wedding outfits for two grooms. That's something that another Muslim or middle eastern girl might be comfortable with. Just be because I was friendly and supportive she suspected I was gay, which is wrong on so many levels.
People who don't really understand sexuality will ask me: “Well, how do you know you're bisexual?” And I say, “Well, how do you know you're straight before you ever slept with someone?” I ask them that. They really don't have an answer, but they just say they're attracted to that gender. I ask them about when they were kids and had crushes on little boys or girls. They just knew they were straight...or rather it was something they didn't really have to think about.
I came to the realization that we are raised our whole lives to be straight and everyone assumes you're straight, so you kinda just assume it too till you step back and look at yourself in the mirror. Now I'm like, well shit! Everything makes sense now! It makes sense how I have this masculine side to me that I never understood or fully accepted.
Growing up I was always a tomboy, but at the same time I always loved art and clothes and all the things that were stereo-typically feminine. That's probably what made it so hard for me to recognize my sexuality, because I never knew it could be such a spectrum. My idea of a queer woman was a super-butch lesbian with short hair, and that wasn't me. As a kid I would wanna play the prince in pretend games with friends. I would tie my hair back and dress up in boy clothes. My first kiss was my friend who was pretending to be a princess. I must have been ten years old. I swooped her low like I'd seen in the movies and planted one on her lips. Everything was fine until she told her dad the next day, and we weren't allowed to play anymore.
In middle school I had my first real girl crush. She had auburn hair, freckles, and hazel eyes. I remember thinking she was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. She was just a kid, we were all kids. I don't even remember recognizing that it was a girl crush, because I was taught by society to know what it felt like to have a crush on a boy, but I never knew what it felt like to have a crush on a girl, which is different in a way. But, the only thing I remember is just really wanting to be her friend. It sounds so silly and cute but I remember when I moved away, I wrote her a letter saying I wish we could be friends forever, or something like that, and I gave her a little present. And, looking back on that, I was really crushing on her.
That's not something that was talked about in my home. I knew not to mention even being friends with a boy, let alone having a crush on him, so imagine talking about crushing on a girl! In my house, if you felt things for your same gender, that meant you were sick and twisted. You need to be fixed.
But now, I recognize that that's just the way my brain is wired. That's just the way that I'm wired. It doesn't mean that I'm a deviant, it doesn't mean that I'm being rebellious or trying to be a “snowflake” or any other of that bullshit. You know, people make it seem like its a choice, and it may seem like I am “choosing” to be bisexual or to identify as that right now, when in fact I'm choosing to be honest with myself and the world rather than live in denial of my true self.
I told one person, one close friend, and then that turned into coming out to almost all of my close friends. It feels public when all your close friends know and you can just be yourself around them, but its not public until your family knows, and social media knows. Because (sarcasm) every one knows if it didn't happen on social media it never happened.
Back when I first was identifying privately as bisexual, I thought to myself "Damn, this whole time I was involved in activism for the LGBT community, being a supporter and an ally, and I couldn't even admit to myself my feelings about women. How fake of me." And I had that guilt. But now I realize I have nothing to be guilty about. Everyone has their own journey and now it's my duty to use my voice in a way that helps other people.
My mom often asked me why I think its important for people to know. I know that secretly she wishes I would have kept it to myself. But I know that my voice needs to be heard. My mix of identities is so eclectic, that someone out there might identify with me and my story. There has to be another half-Syrian girl that is living in fear of how her family will react. I want to assure her that she is strong and will make it through this. That there are people who will support her, even if her family is utterly confused and disgusted at your existence.
Being queer is just a small part of my identity. On most days I don't even think about it, it's just who I am. The world needs to see people as multi-dimensional instead of putting them into boxes. I pray this story has brought someone hope and bravery.
I observe & write about society & culture.