SMILE, BISH! When I first started experiencing symptoms of polycystic kidney disease, I had no idea what was happening. My whole body hurt, I had a 105 fever, and couldn't piss. My kidneys had stopped functioning. I checked myself into the hospital and they told me it was a uti. I never had a one in my life and I knew something else was wrong. I spent a year in and out of the hospital, every few months the symptoms would return and the doc would pump me full of antibotics that killed everything good in my body and left me weak, pale and susceptible to other illnesses. I was losing my hair and my will to keep going. If I was going to be in pain all the time, what was the point?
After a year with no diagnosis, I demanded that the doc ultrasound my kidneys, that's where the pain was after all! The ultrasound showed black polka-dots all over, cysts. They told me it was a genetic disease that I had carried in my genes but it could be triggered by large amounts of stress or toxicity. It all made sense now. The first time I ever had a symptom was right after coming out to my parents. Read my coming out story. Their reaction was so toxic that it literally sent me to the hospital. I knew I had to remove myself from that environment. So, after being home from Istanbul only two weeks, and recovering from the first hospital visit, I packed my belongings and got out. That choice saved my life.
I know now that PKD is an inflammatory disease, and inflammation is caused by stress most of all, as well as an unhealthy diet. Though this disease is progressive and has no cure except a transplant, I am so grateful that I have it. Because of it, I completely transformed my life. I pay attention to my body, rest when I need to, and appreciate every moment. I refuse to be around toxic people or environments. My kidneys literally give me spidey senses- sharp pains will shoot through them when I'm around any negativity. Sometimes my body knows it before I do! It's my new super power.
When I was diagnosed, I faced my own mortality. There were days that I couldn't walk because of the pain. It scared me into action. I was once a fearful and anxious person. Now, I face every challenge without fear and appreciate everything I have.
What is your silver lining?
Our memory is creative. So creative that 50% of your memories are not even true. That means that you can create false memories for yourself which will affect your personality and eventually your destiny. By mediating on false memories that are positive and uplifting, new behaviors will form and thus change our destiny. If we continue to think about negative memories, we will forever find ways to re-live those feelings in the present. You cannot create a new future when holding onto the emotions of the past. You must create new emotions for a new future, by changing how you think about your painful memories of the past. Break the habit of negativity.
To change is to be greater than your habits.
Every morning and every night you must think about your vision for the future so you are programming your thoughts to focus on that, thus you will attract that reality.
The same thoughts will produce the same reality, so if your thoughts don't change, you will always repeat the same reality over and over, which is the definition of hell on earth. “Heaven” is an enlightened state of mind, or being 'awake', fully present, and at peace.
Emotions influence our biology. It is very likely that extreme emotional distress can trigger hidden parts of our DNA and cause disease.Emotions influence our neuro-chemistry, hormones, and genetic expression. They may bring out something that is written in your genes, like my PKD which was genetic.
Your personality creates your personal reality
Your personality is made up of how you think, act, and feel. To create a new future reality, you must first become an entirely new person. The hardest part about change is not making the same choices you did the day before. New choices feel uncomfortable because there is a sense of uncertainty. We get used to doing the same tasks in comfort. Discomfort is a good sign that you are making changes in your life.
Like a movie in your mind, mentally rehearse what you are going to do before actually doing it. This installs the neurological hardware in your brain to complete that task. Visualize what needs to be done the day before, to ensure you are in the right frame of mind to complete the task. Focus on how it feels to do the task, and the satisfaction afterwards. Emotions solidify thoughts in our mind so you're more likely to take action the next day.
This blog paraphrased the key points of a speech by Dr. Joe Dispenza who is a self-help expert. I highly recommend watching the full lecture here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BVb2p4hhVE
I will be watching it multiple times, because every time I understand a little deeper. Dr. Dispenza is a great person to follow if you are on a journey like me towards self healing, opening your heart, and becoming the best version of yourself. Tell me all about your journey!
A conversation with Singer/Songwriter and Tazyeen Ayub on her podcast, Digging Deeper.
On the season finale, I visited my friend Tazyeen and had a deep and frank discussion about life, body image, entrepreneurship, and more. This moment was very important for me because it meant sharing passion for my work as a fashion designer and love activist. Watch the full episode below.
"Expression is an exploration of our inner selves, when we dig deep and allow ourselves to be inspired. There are so many forms in which a person can express themselves, through art, poetry, music, food, and much more. In this weekly series, Digging Deeper, we discuss, in depth, topics around expression as a deeply spiritual endeavor as well as expression as a means of activism. Each week Tazeen sits down with a local artist, activist, or person with a spiritual practice to dig deeper about a topic relevant and important to the guest and the viewers. At the end of the hour, the guest shares their expression with the audience."
Episodes are live every Tuesday evening at 7pm (EST) on Tazeen's Instagram (@tazeen.ayub). Because they are live, viewers can comment with their reflections and questions. Digging Deeper is meant to be a wider conversation between Tazeen, the guest, and viewers so that together we can gain deeper insight and clarity.
We all have dreams, but how many of us are actually living them? As a child we had dreams about what we want to be when we grow up, but many of us end up working jobs we hate. Those people say thing's to me like, “You're so lucky you get to work as an artist! I wish I could have done that.” There are two things that are wrong with these statements. First, it has nothing to do with luck. I am where I am today as a result of every small decision I made. Second, it is never too late to start! Lots of people start a new career in their older age. That being said, these are the steps that I used to create a life I love.
1. Define life by YOUR standards
This one has to be first, because without this step this entire article is useless. If you are constantly judging your life by other people's standards, you will never truly be happy even if your life is everything you dreamed for. Society tells us that we should: Go to college, graduate and get hired at a 9-5 job, get married, have kids, then retire till you die. If you want that life, all the power to you! But that formula doesn't fit everyone. I went to college because I thought I was supposed to. There is no “supposed to” in life. Your life is yours, and there is no timeline. You can go to college at 81 instead of 18 if you wanted to! Ask yourself what kind of life you want, and don't pay attention to what others think you should do. It's not their life to live.
2. Make each day your dream day
Sometimes it's hard to imagine what you want your whole life to look like. A good place to start is to ask yourself: “what would my dream day consist of?” Get a piece of paper and write down all the activities you would want to do on a perfect day. Mine looks something like this: Wake up to a beautiful sunrise, draw or paint before having a delicious breakfast then going for a run or bike ride. Then meeting with some clients for custom outfits (that look fabulous on them!), going to the beach to watch the sunset, then having dinner with friends. It doesn't have to be complicated or fancy. Your dream day will evolve with your goals. Just start with a simple day plan, and write down how much time would be spent on each activity. Once you write down everything you want to fit into a day, it will be much easier to identify your priorities in life. If you can't fit something into your day, its hard to fit it into your life. Focus your energy on these priorities and your days will be amazing!
3. Create your own opportunities
Some are born with all the resources in the world, but never amount to anything, while others are born with very little and achieve greatness. How can that be? It's because even though we may not start on the same level, the universe is full to the brim with opportunities. All it takes is the right amount of ingenuity and resourcefulness. Success comes to those who can see things others do not. The entire world is connected, like a giant machine. There are always gaps in the system that you can slip into. A great example is the recycled products industry- like shoes made from old tires. The rest of the world saw the tires and dismissed it as trash, but the founder saw an opportunity to use the tires as soles for shoes. Train yourself to see things others don't, and then build something from it.
4. Treasure your energy...like gold!
You never have the time you need to take action on your goals- or so you thought! You would be surprised how much energy you have when you start being mindful of how you spend it. It's kind of like budgeting money. Once you list all your expenses, its easy to see where all your money is going. There are countless ways to waste your energy. Digital sources take up the most time- like T.V, Internet and social media. Mundane or repetitive tasks that could be done in a smarter way also drain energy. However, people are the biggest drainers of energy. Try to monitor your energy when you are around others- who makes you feel drained? Avoid them as much as possible. Your energy is precious, there is only so much of it in a day. The priorities you listed in step #2 should be what you spend the most energy on.
5. Find your tribe
Remember the energy suckers from step four? Your goal is to find their exact opposite. Find people who fill you with energy rather than drain it. Surround yourself with friends who share a dream similar to yours, so you can fuel each others passion. When you are living an alternative lifestyle, it helps to be around others who think like you, so you are a part of a community. These people should celebrate your success and shower you with positive vibes, but also be able to give you constructive criticism. A true friend will be honest with you about things you need to change, without being judgmental or harsh. Friends like this come few and far between, so hold on to them!
6. Load up on good Karma
A great way to make friends and rack up good karma is to give without expecting anything in return. Be generous just for the sake of being kind. Be generous with your time, resources, and knowledge. If someone is upset, be someone who listens and empathizes. If someone is in need and you are able to help them, do it. If someone comes to you for advice, don't withhold knowledge because you are afraid of what they might do with it. This is a common pitfall for entrepreneurs, we are afraid of competition. Don't give away company secrets- but some free advice can mean the world to that person. You will find that once you are a generous person, the good karma will rack up and the universe will be generous right back. There are countless scenarios where I was in a desperate situation and compete strangers helped me out. I would like to think it's because of my good karma.
7. Choose happiness
Another way to load up on good karma is to respect and appreciate life. Happiness is a choice, so when we choose anything else we are not appreciating the gift we have been given. Follow these steps to get happy now! The way we feel every day comes down to our mood, and our mood is created by our thoughts, and our thoughts are created by our perceptions. It is a difficult process to change your perception of the world, because it is developed during childhood and heavily influenced by our experiences. For example, when a child is attacked by a dog, often times they grow up to be adults who fear dogs. Changing your perception starts with challenging the beliefs you learned in childhood. For example, if you make a mistake your conditioned response may be to feel like a failure or beat yourself up about it. A happy person would acknowledge their mistake, and even celebrate it, because they believe that everything is a learning experience. Every negative situation has a silver lining if we look for it. Choosing happiness means conditioning yourself to find the silver lining around every rain cloud.
8. Don't wait for the right time
When something is important to us, we have a tendency to want to wait for the “right time”. We don't want to mess things up by starting before we are ready or have all the knowledge. Everything has to be perfect for us to take that first step. Guess what? That time will never come! You will always be busy. Life does not stop. If you want to live your dream life, you have to be okay with not knowing all the answers. Experience is the best way to learn. You have to get comfortable making mistakes- don't let the fear of failure stop you from moving forward. One step- even if its in the wrong direction- is still better than not progressing at all. Every so-called failure teaches you more than any class or book could teach you. Do like Nike says, Just Do It!
9. Make a commitment to growth and learning
While it is okay to make mistakes, it would be wrong to keep doing it and never learn. It is equally wrong to assume that you can get ahead in life without working on yourself and your skills. There is a direct correlation- improving yourself leads to an improved life. When you are healthier, can think clearer, and spend your energy wisely, it's only natural that your life will change to reflect that. It is the same with your career. When you invest into refining your skills and developing new ones you will reap the rewards. Try to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then make a plan to be the very best you can be.
What is YOUR dream day?
How are YOU living the life of your dreams, today?
Classic advice that will serve to improve the overall quality of your life.
1. Know thyself
In order to know which way to walk, you have to know what you're looking for. The same goes for life. You can't have a direction if you don't know what kind of person you want to be. If you want to be a wise person, then your natural direction would be to read more books and get more life experience. To know your direction you must know what it is that makes your heart truly happy. Think of what you liked to do when you were a child. What made you jump for joy? What made your heart race? Those are the experiences you need to be chasing. Know what gets you excited, and know what is crossing a red line for you. Learn to say no to people. Not everyone has your best interest at heart, not every experience is the right one for you. It is okay to walk away to protect yourself. Knowing your boundaries and respecting them will instantly boost your esteem and happiness.
2. Listen to your inner guiding voice
Everyone has had a gut feeling before. An event that you thought would happen actually did happen, and you realize that you should have trusted yourself when you had the initial thought. As we are living life, our body sends signals to us telling us if we have strayed off course. You were forced to make a decision that went against your moral code, you feel tight in your stomach. Something about someone made you think you shouldn't trust them but you gave them the benefit of the doubt then got burned. These feelings we have throughout life should be paid attention to. They are important and valid. If you are on a course of action and you start noticing this feeling, stop and change your direction. Head in the direction that feels right to you. You could save your life, make an amazing personal discovery, and enhance your quality of life.
3. Challenge yourself
You will never grow if you do the same things over and over again. Imagine a weight lifter who used ten pound dumbbells for their whole career. They may be fit, but they might not ever overcome a plateau. It is the same for your personal skills. Whether it be calculating engineering problems or painting, you must try new things in order to become truly great at what you do. I live with this constant feeling that there is so much I don't know, it drives me to always seek new knowledge. Read books about the subject you are interested in, or even books on something you thought was completely unrelated. You could be surprised how innovation in one field can influence a new idea in your field. If you don't have the discipline to teach yourself, take some classes either online in person. Never settle for the knowledge that you already have, always seek more.
4. Appreciate the small things
What is the beauty of life if not the small things? Life will feel much fuller and more joyous when you start appreciating the simple things. The sense of satisfaction you get after completing a work of art, cooking a delicious meal from scratch, or writing an insightful article. The clean water flowing from your faucet. The electricity that brings you the internet that connects you to people all over the world. Knowing that everyday is a chance to exercise your free will as a human being. Making a stranger smile. Seeing transformation in a child that once didn't believe in themselves and now does. Waking up next to someone you love. Sharing warm hugs with those you care about. Being able to make sounds in your throat that is known as language, that allows you to express yourself and be understood. The fact that YOU EXIST in this time, in this dimension, is a blessing in of itself.
5. Feed yourself only good, real food
Looking back at my diet a few years ago when I was in the deepest part of my depression, its no wonder I felt so physically fatigued. Sure, depression causes fatigue as well, but it becomes a vicious cycle when you don't feed yourself well because you aren't feeling well. I used to rely on the vending machines at my high school for lunch sometimes, wash it down with a diet soda. I would crash diet, focusing on what I couldn't eat as opposed to what I should be eating more of. Now, I try to eat two servings of fruits and vegetables everyday. Each meal needs to be balanced with protein, fruits/veggies, and a wholesome grain. Try to drink half your weight in ounces of water every day, its better than coffee at waking you up. Cut back on the salt, sugar, and fat, eat only real wholesome foods. It's what your body deserves.
6. Make your body a strong machine
Our bodies are meant to move. If we sit still for too long our bodies send us a signal by being achy, cramped, or tight. Commit to moving your body in some way each and every day. That may not mean hitting the gym. It could mean dancing in your living room in your PJ's all alone for a good hour. Speaking from experience, getting a little booty shaking in your day is always a good thing. Or some stretching- some calming yoga poses that really make your muscles thank you with that good feeling ache. A proven tool against depression is weight lifting. There are numerous studies that support this, and in a short time since weight lifting on and off I have experienced enormous physical benefits. I have better posture and my body feels more energetic. Do any physical activity that makes you happy and break a sweat at the same time! In no time your mood will follow the improvements in your body.
7. Calm your mind
Our minds have minds of their own, believe it or not! That's that inner voice, perhaps the criticizer who says “Don't do that, you'll look stupid!” or, “Don't go for that opportunity, you're not qualified!” We all have a voice inside our head that makes unwarranted comments to us throughout the day. The key here is realizing that the voice is not you. The voice is rather your Ego or False Self, spurred on by fear and reactive tendencies. There's no reason to be resentful of this voice, it is only trying to protect you from harm, as it sees fit according to past encounters. It is how human beings are wired. We need to simply dismiss the hurried anxious voice and say 'thank you for the suggestion, but I've got it from here', and tune back into the present moment. Feel inside that you are okay, as you are, this very moment. Clear your mind of all clutter, and be present where you are.
8. Tame your thoughts
Thoughts zip into the front of our consciousness seemingly from out of no where. You may be having a perfectly pleasant day when all of the sudden a disruptive thought comes into your head that makes you feel upset, uncomfortable, or angry. I honestly believe in the power of telepathy, that thoughts can travel around all vibrations and enter some other persons brain. Often times when a thought seems like it isn't coming from you, it really isn't. It's someone else's projection or influence on you. Learn to let certain thoughts just float by. Tell yourself “I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about---” Insert what you are doing in the present moment. As I'm writing this, I'm telling myself “I'm not thinking about that bill I have to pay, right now I'm thinking about writing this article.” The most important thing you can do in life is be in the present moment. That is honoring the moment, making the most of life, and unlocking the potential of the now.
What are the essential rituals you practice to get in the now? What can't you live without when it comes to keeping happy?
Photos are by the talented Thomas Scotch
It was like a light switch went off in my head. What used to seem horrible, unthinkable, and incomprehensible was suddenly easy and natural. Leaving Islam. And joining the rest of humanity. Yes. Being a Muslim did mean separating yourself from other people. They will tell you that's a lie. That Islam respects other religions, etc, and don't misunderstand me- they do – but from a distance. Don't be friends with quote “Non-Muslims”. You can smile and talk about basic things like school or work but you can never form close friendship. This type of self isolation causes fear to arise of the “Other”.
Growing up in a religiously split family, my mom's side was Catholic or non-religious, and my father's side was conservative Muslim. My mother converted after marrying my father and that meant that all of us had to be Muslim too. When I was younger, it gave me a sense of community and belonging. The people around me were almost always either Muslim or Middle Eastern or both. Some bragged about how long they spent at the Mosque. Like that did anything to better the world. In their mind they had racked up virtual “Good Deed” points that an angel on the right shoulder writes down. An angel on the left shoulder writes down all the "bad" things you did.
As a young teen growing up in the Islamic community, a lot of things I did were considered “bad”. Thinking about boys. Talking to a boy. Any type of physical contact with a boy before being married to him, for that matter. Drawing nude bodies in art school. Going out at night to dance. Showing skin besides my face and hands.
That one got me the most. When I was younger I pictured myself being an adult wearing the Hijab*. Then I grew up and realized I never wanted to wear it. I got some pressure from my dad growing up to put it on, but not as bad as some girls get. He never forced me to explicitly cover my hair, but he maintained steady control over what I wore. I had to be surveyed before leaving the house. If he disliked something- my skirt was two inches too short- he would ask me to change. Why? Because he didn't want boys to be tempted to do something to me because of my clothes. That's the bottom line of modesty in Islam. The responsibility of men's behavior falls onto women. And even then women in Burkas** get raped. They show a flash of ankle and it turns some sicko on. It takes a rapist to rape. And covering up the women will not stop them.
When will it end? Will women have to wear armor from now on? I'm a designer- yeah, I should think for the future and make fashionable armor because that's what women will need continue in this direction. Armor for our bodies, To protect ourselves from men who were raised in the mentality that “boys will be boys”.
Why are women in Islam taught not to make eye contact with a man? Is it that our eye contact will entice them sexually or because it is too defiant? So instead we look down. And the men talk down at us. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Having to look down puts out some of the fire in you. It makes you feel less human, and you connect to less people.
My dad's side of the family covers their faces with black veils when they go outside. I respect their choice to do so, and I don't think they are ignorant for doing what everyone in their culture does. However, for me personally, I find the Burkah highly offensive and would be devastated if I was forced to wear it somehow. It dehumanized the woman. She's just a faceless shadow walking around the city. Why can the men show their faces and hair? Why can they have all the power, and all the sexuality? It is widely accepted that men get turned on, why is it a "taboo" that women do, too? Women get just as horny as men do. Hormones be crazy, and sometimes, ladies just wanna jump on some dick. This is biological stuff, people. So wouldn't it make sense- religiously speaking- to encourage celibacy by having men cover themselves up except for their faces and hands? Better yet, have the Saudi men start covering their faces with a black veil, like they force their women to, and have them tell me how much that helps their eyesight.
* The Hijab is an Islamic covering that requires everything but the hands and face to show. Some women also show their feet up to the ankle.
**Burkah is a covering that goes over the entire woman covering her face, hair, and body in fabric. She sees through sheer black fabric over her eyes.
***Niquab is like the Burkah but there is a cut out for the eyes so the woman can see better.
Photography by Thomas Scotch
Fashion design and modeling by Lena Harbali.
To get any of these pieces made-to-order email Lenaartinfo@gmail.com
How has religion influenced your life? In what ways has it been positive, negative?
Islam has not all been negative to me, and that is important to remember. I will be following up this post with ones in the future about the good things that religion has taught me.
Anxiety feels like...
That initial feeling of dread when you realize you lost your wallet or keys, but that feeling drags on for hours.
Forgetting to breathe, realizing that you aren't breathing, then panicking and breathing deeply only to cause yourself to get dizzy.
Hearing the voices of people you know saying negative things about you that they have never said, and you can picture them saying it in your head.
A hazy mist of tense and stressful thoughts swirling around the brain causing problems with attention and memory.
Migraines that feel like all the muscles in your head are doing somersaults under your scalp.
The constant expectation of something horrible happening in your life, causing it to turn completely upside down.
Feeling like no thing is stable or trustworthy.
Fighting daily not to surrender to helplessness, despite feeling completely powerless and out of control.
Thinking that death sounds blissfully peaceful compared to the storm inside your brain.
Replaying all the mistakes you've ever made in your head over and over again and analyzing every move and how it should have happened.
Reliving every uncomfortable moment until your present gets ruined by negative emotions from the past.
Wanting to quit everyday because everything is so hard but expecting too much of yourself to ever quit.
Always having the feeling like you are missing some big, critical idea or task.
This is my own experience with anxiety, each person with anxiety feels it in a different way.
Having anxiety is like fighting a constant battle in your head. The problem is, if people don't talk about their anxiety then no one will be able to understand. Having a mental illness is supposed to be something you are ashamed of and don't publicize. I'm tired of feeling shame and trying to hide what I deal with every day. By sharing my struggles with the world, I hope that someone out there will be able to relate and find comfort in the fact that they are not alone. Not only that, but I believe that by talking about insecurities and imperfections openly, I can balance out the perfect image of myself that has been manufactured on the Internet. Online, it is way too easy to make it seem like your life is perfect. We all need to start portraying an image that is a little more flawed, and maybe in that way we can rediscover our humanity.